Let It Go

I remember for years people would tell me, “Tiffany, the Lord is saying that it’s time for you to let it go.” I would be left sitting there wondering what, or even who, I was supposed to let go of. I was thinking it had to be something or someone outside of who I am. While the disturbance was internal it was always initiated by something external, or so it seemed. In my mind, I could point out the source of a couple of problems rather quickly, and a couple of people I could drop that would bring instant relief. The question is why did I do what I did to create that “problem”? Some problems, not all, I created myself. Why did I allow those people in my life to begin with? I got tired of moving things and people in and out of my life and trying to fix things my way. I decided to sit in the mess I made and through prayer and journaling I asked the Lord to heal me so that when He got me out, I would not run back into darkness. I can pacify myself by fixing or eliminating the “what”, but I won’t be healed until I identify and deal with the “why”.

I have learned the “let it go” is really “let her go”. Through prayer and journaling I realized the child in me, not the grown woman, was who I needed to let go of. The child that never felt validated, good enough, wanted or needed but learned through performance a space was created for her. The child that knew who her father was but has never really experienced him. The child that was never taught how to love God and herself first. The child that just wanted to feel like she found her place and loved the skin she was in. The child that was willing to suppress parts of her because she didn’t wait for people who accepted all of her to come into her life. The little girl in me lived according to what she wanted based on what she didn’t get, while the grown woman, the one who has been built up in Christ, has requirements. God has set a standard for love in my life, for every kind of relationship. But the little girl can easily get into a relationship infatuated by what someone is doing for her, while the grown woman will only get into a relationship for their being. I am talking about in any type of relationship. By living surrendered to the trauma of my inner child I got myself in unhealthy relationships and developed destructive coping mechanisms while living routinely absent wondering when the morning that holds the joy will come.

The Israelites wandered the mountain for forty years because of their unbelief and as a result a whole generation had to die off before they could proceed to the promise land. God wanted a generation that had no knowledge of good and evil, they just knew Him. He is still waiting for the same thing from me today. He is waiting on the little girl and her experiences that has caused me to live today as yesterday, to die. He wants me at a place where I only live off His Word not my past experiences. No more eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. The fruit is the same today as it was then, death, or separation from God. I remember one day watching Iyanla Fix My Life and she said, “The only relationship you’re really having is the one you are having with yourself,” and to that I would I add AND God. The only relationship you are really having is the one you are having with yourself AND God! Does my life look like I am in a relationship with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self- control? Or, does my life look like I am in relationship with pain, frustration, destruction, depression, anxiety and chaos? Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart]. Only when we intentionally create our now experience can we live as the treasure we are.